Former FBI hostage-negotiation trainer shares 6 tricks for getting people to do what you want by Jacquelyn Smith on Jan 19, 2016, 1:28 PM  Mark Goulston spent two years role-playing for a living.
He'd pretend to be a suicidal policeman, holding a gun to his neck, threatening to take his own life. His job was to challenge his audience — a room full of FBI agents and police officers — to talk him out of it. "In the end, I always pulled the trigger and then from the point of view of that role play, I would tell them what they could have asked and could have said that would have caused me to give up and surrender," explains Goulston, a psychiatrist and former FBI hostage-negotiation trainer. Today, Goulston, 67, is a business adviser and consultant, using the skills he honed in his negotiation-training job to coach executives and employees at big corporations, including GE, IBM, and Goldman Sachs. He's also the author of the best-selling book, "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone." We recently spoke to Goulston to learn how to get people — clients, colleagues, employees, or a boss — to do what you want at work. Here's what he said: SEE ALSO: 3 Things About Negotiating Your Boss Doesn't Want You To Know  1. Get them to talk. After you make a request — or subtly hint at what you want someone to do — stop and let that person do all the talking. "When they start talking, they will self-discover the urgency of your request," he explains. They'll decide on their own that they should oblige, without you having to beg. If you do all the talking, they may tune you out or feel like they're being told (rather than asked) to do something, which will make them not want to do it.
2. As they are speaking, pay attention to the adjectives and adverbs they use. "An adjective is a way to embellish a noun, and an adverb is a way to embellish a verb — and both modifiers indicate something that the person has some 'emotional juice' on," Goulston explains. "After the other person stops talking — even if they ask you a question — pause for a few seconds, and instead of answering it, respond with: 'Hmmm ...' (This communicates that you have listened and considered what they are saying.) Then, say more about the adjective or adverb they used." By doing this they will reveal what really matters to them and be more invested in the conversation, and therefore more interested in helping you. For example, if someone you are speaking to uses the adjective "amazing" with regard to an opportunity and asks you a question after they finish speaking, try responding with, "I can answer your question, but before I do, tell me more about this amazing opportunity." "This will cause them to open up more to you and at a deeper level than if you had just directly answered their question," Goulston says. "The more they open up to you, the more invested they'll be in hearing what you have to say."
 3. Use 'fill in the blanks.' "When you ask someone a question, you trigger an unconscious flashback of their having been put on the spot earlier in life by a teacher, parent, or coach, and you create a syntactical 'you versus me' disconnect," Goulston says. This can lead to a reflexive "pull back" by them, he explains. To avoid this, mix in with questions or request a "fill in the blank," he suggests. "For instance, it is more confrontational to ask someone, using a 'you better know the answer to this' tone, 'What are you going to do about x situation?' than it is to say, using and inviting 'want to know' tone, 'What you're planning to do about x situation is … ?'"
When you use the latter approach you have syntactically invited the other person into a sentence with you instead of asking a question, "which may cause them to think it is you versus them," says Goulston.
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