7 things to teach your kids if you want them to be more emotionally intelligent by Bill Murphy Jr. on May 2, 2016, 11:56 AM Advertisement
 We all want our kids to be happy and successful, so it makes sense to work backward and figure out how to make that happen. Step 1: To be happy and successful, they need to develop great relationships. Step 2: To develop those relationships, they need adequate emotional intelligence. Step 3: To develop emotional intelligence, it helps if their mentors (especially their parents) model good behavior in love and partnerships. At Scary Mommy, my former colleague Leigh Anderson put together one of the best prescriptions I've seen on how to teach your kids to do this, and why. She spoke with Carrie Cole, a Gottman Institute trained therapist, about "how to have a good relationship with your partner and how to model one for your kids." Here are the most important things she came up with. As an added bonus, you can download the free 100-page e-book, "How to Raise Successful Kids: Advice From a Stanford Dean, a Navy SEAL, and Mark Zuckerberg's Dad (Among Others)". SEE ALSO: A Wharton professor shares 3 science-backed strategies for raising highly creative kids DON'T MISS: Science says parents of successful kids have these 11 things in common  1. Teach them to 'turn toward' Relationships are dynamic. They're made up of an uncountable number of small interactions. Julie and John Gottman, a husband and wife team of psychologists who are experts in this area, describe these interactions as "micro-behaviors" and "bids for attention." We "bid for attention" with the people we care about by doing things — starting conversations, for example — in the hope they'll demonstrate interest and warmth. Catching those bids, and showing you value the relationship, requires active listening and empathy. For example, you might tell your spouse, or another person you care about, "I learned something really cool today." You hope that he or she will "turn toward" you by replying with something like, "Oh? Tell me about it," as opposed to shutting you down: "Can't you see I'm busy?!!!" So, model this behavior in your relationships, and teach your kids to "turn toward" when the people they care about bid for their attention.
2. Teach them to politely turn down bids for attention Of course, if we had to "turn toward" every time someone we cared about bid for our attention, we'd never get anything done. Perhaps even a majority of the time, you have to find a way to refrain from "turning toward," in a way that shows you still value your relationship. My wife is a master at this — of necessity — otherwise she could spend her entire life listening to me dissect political races, place the names of character actors in movies, and tell her arguably funny stories about things that happened in college. It's really a matter of demonstrating interest in what the people you care about have to say, while making clear the practical limits on your time and attention. In her essay, Leigh offers a simple example — turning down her child's bid for attention simply by saying, "I can't listen to your story right now, but I can after lunch." So when you can't spend the time you might like responding to a bid for attention, at least turn it down politely — never dismissively.
 3. Teach them to 'be overwhelmed without freaking out' Negative situations are often made worse by allowing your negative emotions to metastasize. So, the goal is to maintain control of your emotions even when you're not in control of the situation. In the military, we call this "maintaining your bearing." However, it's especially important when stressful situations involve the health or feelings of the people you care about most. As Leigh wrote: "Learning to be under stress without taking it out on your nearest and dearest is a valuable relationship skill." I find it helps to think of a quote from author H.G. Wells, and remember that "the crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow."
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